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Caregiving: Parenting Your Parents

Comments For "The Family Caregiver: Parenting Your Parent or Spouse"
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7 Responses to “The Family Caregiver: Parenting Your Parent or Spouse”
  1. Gwendolyn Smith Says:

    Please contact me ASAP I am seeking a presenter for a family Caregiver workshop that I am putting together.

  2. Jenny Says:

    I have a situation with a parent that appears to be of sound mind, but unsound body. My mother is 74, morbidly over weight, I'm being nice at saying only 400 pounds. She cannot walk without a walker, and every step she takes is made with a verbal howl, cry or other sound. Once she reaches her destination and sits, she is not in pain or says she isn't in pain. She is incontinent. The bedroom she and my father sleep in reeks of urine so badly it burns my eyes. She refuses to go to a doctor, and when I have told her that she needs to go to a doctor and get an opinion, or check up, she tells me to mind my business. I have done some caretaking of her recently because my father, who is 71 recently fell off a ladder and shattered his ankle. My mother is very intelligent, but is irrational about the doctor situation and doesn't recognise that she has a problem. My dad has said he's at his witt's end with her. She has been depressed for years, as long as I can remember. (I'm 44) She hasn't seen a doctor for 40 years or so... she doesn't trust doctors. She believes that the hospital her father was in Killed him (back in 1973) and that her big brother sometime in the later 1920's. She can site person after person that has had poor care from doctors and that have suffered from misdiagnosis, etc... She does see a dentist, so she is not afraid of doctors in the sense that the place smells badly, she is afraid of misdiagnosis and afraid of being diagnosed with high blood pressure. It is very frustrating to talk with her. I suggest she go to a doctor and I get told to mind my business, when just days before I adjust her bed and absorbant materials that she pees on. I don't know how to get to her. My fear is that my father will hurt himself when he tries to help her. What can you do about a difficult (AND MEAN) parent that is of sound mind? I do not want to abandon her, and I will provide what care I can. She is also paranoid. (Has been paranoid for years).
    I have a list of things that are wrong with her, and I gave it to her hoping to shock her into realizing her situation. It cannot go on this way... What can I do?

  3. Ron Kauffman Says:

    Jenny,

    You have quite a complicated situation on your hands. Here are some thoughts I had while reading through your comment and what I think are the best course action for you based on what you have shared with me:
    1. Your dad is simply not capable of caring for his wife in this situation, because of his recent injury and her physical size. Should he continue to try to sustain her care, there is an excellent possibility that he may succumb to further injury, or even premature death from stress.

    2. You, Jenny, will be no more successful than your father for basically the same reasons.

    3. I'm just guessing, but I wouldn't be surprised if after a thorough physical examination of the mother the following diseases are found:
    a. Morbid Obesity
    b. Diabetes
    c. Hypertension
    d. Congestive Heart Failure
    e. Clinical Depression
    f. Other problems may include kidney disease and possibly some form of cancer due to your mom's refusal to see a doctor

    4. The solution is straight forward, but won't be easy for you, Jenny, because of your mother's strong personality and the guilt associated with her doing the right thing. You MUST call Adult Protective Services immediately and report exactly what she wrote, in detail - that her mother has created an unhealthy and unsafe household environment and refuses to make the rational choices most people would make in this situation. The conditions described are dangerous and are likely severely impacting both of your parent's health.

    Adult Protective Services can legally have the mother removed from the home and sent to the hospital for a complete evaluation. There really are few other choices, but the possibility of her mother being Baker Acted for both psychological and physical evaluation is also a possibility.

    Jenny, I wish there were other options, but based on the degree of irrational thinking and behavior of the mother and its impact on the other members of the family, these are the only choices that I see making sense.

    I wish you luck,

    Ron Kauffman

  4. Jenny Says:

    Thank you. I have contacted Adult Protective Services with Questions the same evening I wrote to you. To add more to all of this, we are
    figuring out that my father has a hoarding problem. It's quite overwhelming. My mother's brother is arriving in town tomorrow. I am
    going to let him discover some of this on his own, and then talk with him. My mother is so angry with me right now she's not speaking. (Which
    is torture for an only child, but I'm getting to the point that I am about to just throw in the towel and accept the fact that her brain has
    been so ill for so long that she doesn't know what is good, she is basically a child, and thinks she is going to live to be 90 like her mother did. I don't see that happening. One or two years at best is my assessment.

    After I consult with her brother, I am going to contact her younger sister, who might get through to her on some things. I'm also going to contact my Father's brother and sister once my Uncle leaves or gives me some family advise. I can't let things go on, and I'm ready to contact Social Services soon.

    This gives me some more advise than my Father's doctor gave.

    Thank you. I am myself just mentally fatigued with this situation & I cry a lot. (I'm on lexapro, but I'm going to see my Doctor for some
    advise and help for me. Not having brother's and sisters, my only other support is my Husband (He's great) and my Co-workers. I'm facing the
    real possibility of losing my job, which is also stressful, but in light of these family issues it may be fortunate...it's just all piling up on
    me and I just need a support group or other help.)

    Thank you so much!

  5. Ron Kauffman Says:

    Hoarding is often a strong indicator of cognitive impairment. Have your dad evaluated by a neurologist to determine what the underlying cause of his behavioral changes may be.

    Also, accept that fact that even though you are an only child, you did not create this situation for your parents. Neither you nor your uncle can
    make people change, you cannot control the behaviors of people suffering from cognitive or mental issues. What you can control is your own time, personal habits and reactions to these stressful situations.

    Lexipro is a good drug, but the real solution for you is to let go, accept what is going on as best you can, and focus on caring for your husband
    and yourself. You cannot allow your emotions to also make you a casualty of the problems that are currently impacting your parents. While not easy,
    your own personal health and well-being depend upon your willingness to acknowledge and accept the current situation for exactly what it is.

    As for your mother's anger, it's not rational, and while it seems very personal, it is not, and you can be proud of the steps you've taken. You've
    been brave and resourceful, and no parent could ask more of an adult child.

    Step back and focus on making and keeping yourself well, and let the professionals deal with the issues of your parents.

  6. Jenny Says:

    Thank you again. My husband and I have been watching episodes of Clean House. It deals with Hoarders, but we wonder if those people on the show receive any kind of counseling. Many of the situations on that show reflect my father, and his is a bit more organized in places, it's still hoarding.

    He's been "collecting" for years, but the piles of things, papers mostly, and empty containers that look useful and can hold things... have overrun his garage and office, he's talking about adding a room onto the house. He's moved many things into my old room... somewhat organized. I'm going to watch some more of that show... it has given me an insight and I need to be gentle, but firm.

    My dad is going to a cardiologist next week for stress tests, and to have more stitches out of his leg. I am going to take some photos of his garage & office (we have helped straighten it up to make a pathway to get in with a walker.) I'm going to mail the photos to his primary physician... and call him to let him know of this, he has no idea about the hoarding. My father is highly intelligent, and appears reasonable, except when it comes to throwing unnecessary things away. He has always been absent minded(professor) and very creative (artist). So if this is a signal of alzheimers (runs in his family) it could be easily not found or diagnosed if he doesn't bring it up. He has expressed worries over his forgetting things, but much of it is what he's done his whole life. Next time he brings it up, I'll suggest he get checked out...to ease his mind. He's good about accepting suggestions on seeing physicians.

    Thank you so much, Ron, you have really made a difference in my outlook and the way I am going to approach this situation. The Dept. of Adult Protective Services has not answered me as of yet, but I'm sure they have many serious things to work through that may take priority, but If I haven't heard from them by Monday the 20th, I'll contact them again.

  7. Lara Belonogoff Says:

    Jenny, you might also benefit from reading through our Hoarding section to get ideas for how to approach the situation.

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