From Balancing a Checkbook to Purchasing LTCI: Tips for Talking to Aging Parents about Financial Matters

It was during the years that Mom was the primary caregiver for her ailing husband that some signs of trouble began to appear. Mom and her husband shared in paying the household bills, and each did so from his or her own checking accounts. I noticed that Mom began rounding up the payment amounts when she entered them in her check register. As a result, she never knew exactly how much money she had in her account. She also began forgetting to make entries and started making mistakes in her computations. The result was predictable: she started bouncing checks.

Money Problems Are an Early Indicator

For several months, as her monthly account statement arrived I would help her do the reconciliation. I would then drive to the bank and explain that Mom was having trouble doing the arithmetic, and ask that they be understanding of her increasing cognitive issues. For a period of time the bank agreed to reverse Mom’s penalty fees, but after a few more months, a woman from the bank contacted me let me know that the bank could no longer waive those penalties and fees.

I realized that Mom needed more than a little help. The challenge was how to present my offer of assistance in a way that was neither threatening nor demeaning to her. Initially, I failed on both counts when I told her I was taking over. She immediately told me in no uncertain terms to mind my own business and stay out of her personal affairs. Obviously, I needed another strategy.

Offer Help, Not a Hostile Takeover

I decided to show Mom how much she was being penalized for overdrawing her account, because she understood that what was being charged for her monthly “math” errors was beginning to get very expensive. I then volunteered to visit several times a week and review her bills with her. I also offered to balance her checkbook and write the checks for her bills so she could just sign and mail them.

That idea worked like a charm. Mom felt like she had control and saw me as being there simply to do the bookkeeping. Everyone was pleased—especially the bank. I also suggested that Mom add me as an authorized signatory on the account just in case I had to sign a check when she was traveling. Mom agreed, and from my perspective that was a major step in initiating a takeover of mom’s financial matters, without making her feel that she had lost control or financial independence.

Talking Mom into Long-term Care Insurance

Over the next few months I began suggesting to Mom that she seriously consider investing in a long-term care insurance policy. Mom didn’t understand why she would need a policy, and her husband was adamant that paying monthly premiums for insurance was a total waste of money. My resolution to that problem was to tell Mom that since she was (at that time) in her seventies, she probably wouldn’t be able to qualify to be issued a policy anyway. That really upset her, as Mom was an active fitness buff, and regardless of her signs of memory loss, she maintained a very high level of physical fitness. She was insulted to think that she might not be healthy enough to be approved and agreed to meet with an insurance agent to see if she would, in fact, qualify. She qualified. That was the easy part.

When she learned what the monthly premium was, based upon her age, Mom balked at signing the contract. Once again I had to get creative and convince her that this type of policy was an investment, not an expense. I asked her if she remembered my great-grandmother, her grandmother, who had been very senile. I also asked Mom to recall what she could about one of her aunts, who, according to Mom, became “pretty ditzy” as she had aged.

I carefully explained to Mom in very basic terms that those two relatives most likely actually suffered from a form of dementia, and since Mom happened to have similar genetics, she too might be susceptible to those same cognitive issues. If that were the case, Mom would need to have money to pay for her care, and having insurance would really help. Of course I couldn’t be certain that what I was telling Mom was totally accurate, and frankly, I didn’t care. I then laid a guilt trip on Mom by saying that in-home care was very expensive and a long-term care policy would mean that we kids wouldn’t have to pay for her care. That wasn’t fair, but it created enough concern in Mom’s mind that she decided to take the policy.

The New Rules of Caregiving

The point of these two true examples demonstrates that it’s not enough just to be in the right when dealing with a loved one who is resistant to change or accepting assistance, but is more about how to approach someone in a way that allows you to achieve your goal and purpose. For older people who see their world as getting smaller, things like making their own financial decisions become major issues, and for them, defines their level of their independence and control over their own daily lives. The depths of their denial can be incredible, so you have to be strong and steadfast to prevail.

Sometimes tough love works; other times you have to be creative and press the emotional buttons that allow you to achieve the results you want even though your methods may become very creative and even a bit manipulative. Caring matters, and sometimes you just make up the rules as you go.

Until next time, thanks for caring.

Ron Kauffman

Ron Kauffman is a Certified Senior Advisor, and an expert on issues of aging and caregiving. He is the author of Caring for a Loved One with Alzheimer’s Disease, available at www.seniorlifestyles.net.

Posted in Caregiving: Parenting Your Parents, Communication Techniques