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Comments For "Talking to Your Elderly Parents: 6 Surefire Ways to Communicate Effectively"
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4 Responses to “Talking to Your Elderly Parents: 6 Surefire Ways to Communicate Effectively”
  1. DebAnon Says:

    This was very interesting to read. My family and I used to go to family therapy because no one really respected one another and the therapist mentioned many of the same tactics to make communication better for us. The active listening was very helpful because we didn't realize how often we waited to talk instead of really hearing what the other person has to say. These rules are great for everyone, not just adults talking to elderly parents. I use these rules to this day when talking to my kids to teach them that I respect them.

  2. Kay Paggi Says:

    DebAnon,

    Thanks for writing. Yes, I recommend these techniques when talking to teenage children, spouses, bosses, and many other situations where clear lines of communication are helpful. You can see how my background in counseling helps me with dealing with older adults and their families, and I also am a trained mediator. Even with all my ‘know-how’, I still have to work to make myself listen in a heated situation where it is important to me to get a particular point across. Thanks again for your comments.

    -Kay

  3. elizabeth shipley Says:

    Thanks for these suggestions -- they definitely seem good as far as they go. But I'm wondering, what about:

    -when my Dad says things that make no sense to me and no amount of gentle questioning seems to help

    -when I can't keep my Dad's attention long enough to communicate with him

    -when I think Dad and I have communicated well, only to find a few minutes later that he's thinking/acting as if we never had the conversation

    -when I understand Dad to be telling me X, and I act on that understanding, and then a few minutes later he's telling me Y.

    Scary.

  4. Kay Paggi Says:

    Elizabeth, your father surely has dementia of some type. The most noticeable sign is short term memory loss. Your father is exhibiting this in the 2nd and 3rd and 4th examples. The main primary symptom of dementia is the inability to reason or follow logic. This is evident in the 1st and 4th examples. The article was aimed at parents who still have intact memory and ability to follow the flow of a conversation. Until you are ready to admit that your father has lost these capabilities, the situation will not improve.

    I recommend that you make an appointment with a geriatrician, a physician who is specifically trained to recognize and treat disease in late life. Loss of the ability to focus, to reason, and to recall are not normal aging. They are the result of a disease that is damaging his brain. Most causes of dementia are not reversible but some are. Therefore it is important to find the cause to see if it is one of those that can be fixed, and if not, to start a course of treatment that will slow the progression of the symptoms.

    This done, you should begin to communicate with your father in a new and different way. Never say, “Do you remember?” This is humiliating. Do not present reasons for actions, do not insist that he understand the why of anything, because he cannot, no matter how good the explanation.

    I hope this helps, and I wish you patience in this beginning of a new journey with your father.

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