How Will Today’s Gay Adoptions Change the Future for LGBT Seniors?

by Lara Belonogoff

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Could progressive adoption laws have positive outcomes for today’s gay couples when they look for long-term care? Gay adoptions are on the rise, and adult children are usually the first caregivers for the elder community. These two facts may mean that many more gay couples will have adult children to take care of them in their golden years.

A few weeks ago I wrote about LGBT retirement communities springing up all over the country. One of the issues I found was how older LGBT couples often face challenges that straight ones do not. For example, a person who marched in the Stonewall riots and was out of the closet at that point is less likely to have been accepted by family members and more likely to have surrogate “families” made up of friends—many of whom were torn apart by the onslaught of AIDS. With little family to help them now, these men and women often do not have anyone to act as a family caregiver. But could gay adoption change the retirement landscape?

Robert Chudy, 29, and his partner Scott Ceragioli, 40, wanted a child. The couple had been together nine years when Malik—four days shy of his first birthday—moved into their home. In November 2006, the adoption was finalized; the boy became an official member of their family. I spoke with Robert this past week and when I asked what prompted his desire to adopt, he pointed out that wanting to start a family is the most natural thing in the world.

Chudy and Ceragioli are not alone. This March, UCLA’s Williams Institute and the Urban Institute released a study on the adoption and foster rates for gays and lesbians. The study pointed out that more than half of gay men and 41 percent of lesbians want to have a child. This is coupled with an estimated two million gay, lesbian and bisexual people who are interested in adopting. (The study also estimated that 65,500 adopted children are living with a lesbian or gay parent. In California, more than 16,000 adopted children are living with lesbian and gay parents, the highest number among the states.)

Even though they aren’t statistically alone, Chudy points out, “We have several gay friends but very few who are part of a couple. The only two gay men we know who have adopted we met through the adoption agency. We know several lesbians who have children (through previous straight relationships)—but that’s it.” He went on to explain that he feels many gay couples may be interested in adoption but are “too scared or lazy to move forward” and that when he looks around “it doesn’t feel like a lot of gay men are out looking for babies.” When he and Ceragioli went to the San Francisco’s Castro district for the first time with Malik, they felt like “other men were looking down on us, like we were trying to live a stereotypical straight couple life. It was definitely an unexpected response.”

Forging ahead with a family will always have its issues. As Chudy points out, “I see the looks...people wondering what the relationship is. Are we brothers? Are we friends and one is the dad? Or could it be two gay guys with a son?” His eyes seem wide open when it comes to the future, knowing that Malik might have a lot to deal with, especially kids teasing him about his lack of a mother and his family being different.

In researching this story I called some old family friends, a gay retired couple. One man, who asked to remain anonymous, stated that he had been with his partner for 45 years and at the age of 79 he said, “I wish I could help you, Honey, but I am still in the closet.” His words made me recall something that Chudy had stated earlier: “I think with the family support nowadays for gay men and women there is little to fear about getting old—they have a similar support system to that of a straight person.”

While Chudy may be enjoying life in a more enlightened world than the family friend I called, who is two generations his senior, many of today’s senior LGBT-ers do not have a family network and the gay movement hasn’t spent a great deal of time concentrating their efforts on the elder community.

As Chudy said, “I can honestly say I never thought of it before you brought it up.” He did point out that in his experience many gay men, especially in the Bay Area, have money that enables them to have more luxurious retirement plans. Chudy is also aware that he and his partner will require a great deal of funds to retire and that having Malik has meant retirement has become more of a priority; he doesn’t want to rely on his son financially.

Like their straight contemporaries, many gay couples will face the financial challenge of raising children and being a family caregiver to their own parents. Chudy already knows he will have to help his mother, a single middle-aged divorcee with only six years in the workforce. Both men’s fathers have remarried younger women who most likely will be able to care for them. As Chudy said, “I would always be there for my mother,” and I’m fairly certain Malik will grow up with the same values.

And that’s just a little bit of what is going on,

Lara Belonogoff

Posted in: Editorials, LGBT Senior Communities