How to Talk to Parents About the Future

Why is it so hard to talk to our elderly parents about getting older, needing help, or planning for being dependent? Sometimes the parents just can’t face it. Sometimes they are in denial about their own aging and are afraid of the future. Who can blame them? No one wants to picture themselves needing help with walking, bathing, toileting or eating. But it happens, and so must the conversation. If crisis hits, and no one has addressed the subject of what your parents want, it can be enormously stressful for everyone involved. Some of that stress can be avoided by simply planning ahead. We are living longer, which often means living with impairments of advanced age. Everyone with an aging parent needs to have conversations about the future, and the possibility of needing help.

The 70/40 Rule

Sometimes the adult children are the ones who refuse to look at the future. They want their parents to be fine, as they’ve always been. They do not want to take over the role of “parenting” their own parent. Yuck! Stepping into that role implies that their parent is getting closer to the end of life, and they can’t bear the thought. Denial is common on both sides. Some adult children avoid the subject of the future more than their own parents do. Parents may already be confronting the issues of aging, as it is their bodies which are changing, slowing down, and in some ways, failing. Their siblings, peers and friends may have died or become infirm. They are not strangers to the subject of what can happen. Some organizations and individuals advocate the “70/40 Rule.” That is, when your parent is 70 or older, and you are 40 or older, it is time to have these conversations.

Make a Plan

If you find it very awkward to begin, pick a specific date. Before a holiday, birthday, or other occasion which brings family together, you might suggest meeting with your parent(s) to talk about the future after the celebration. For example, “Dad, after Mary’s birthday party, I’d like to stay over and have a family meeting.” Bring up the subject of planning what to do in case he or she has to go to the hospital. That is a good place to start.

Collaborate with siblings or other relatives if they can help you plan on what to discuss or how to approach it. Be respectful. Do not simply tell your parents how it’s going to be, from your point of view. Let them know that you are concerned about them, that you want to be prepared in case of a crisis or hospitalization, and begin by asking them what things they think you should know. Have a general plan of your own in mind.

Get the Essential Information

Do you know who the doctor is, and where the doctor is located? Do you know where important papers are kept? Do you have a list of your parents’ medications? Money matters can be difficult for people who find the subject uncomfortable. If that is the case for your parents, suggest that you wouldn’t want the bills to go unpaid if either one of them had to go the hospital, and ask what they would want you to do for them if that happened. If your parents are reticent to provide you with any information, it is time to seek help from a professional. Your parents’ lawyer, physician, clergy or friend may be useful in persuading your loved one to plan ahead.

Don’t wait for a crisis to leave you panicked. Speak to your parents about planning ahead in case of an urgent situation, and be prepared to take leadership, as denial and resistance are common for aging parents.

Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, Attorney at Law, R.N., is a founder of AgingParents.com and HelpWithElders.com. She is a consultant and mediator, teaming with a psychologist, providing direct services and informational products for those caring for aging loved ones. She can be reached at carolyn@agingparents.com or at (866) 962-4464.

Posted in Advanced Planning, Avoiding Fraud & Abuse, Communicating with Loved Ones, Essential Documents, Legal Advice for Seniors, Talking About the Future with Your Parents