Funeral Planning: Having the Talk with Your Loved One

Funeral planning isn't an easy thing to talk about for most people, and certainly not with the people you love. After all, imagine planning your funeral. But sooner or later, everyone should have "the talk." Thinking about the talk is always the hardest part. The subject matter changes over time depending on the people involved; it may involve talking to your kids about sex, explaining death to a child, or telling your kids (or your parents) that you have cancer. Or it could be funeral planning—talking to your parents about what they want at their funeral, or talking to your children about planning your funeral.

Initiating the Funeral Planning Talk

I had the funeral planning talk with my mother-in-law about six years ago. I hadn't planned it; it evolved naturally. "You know, Bubbie," I said, "I attended a networking meeting where the speaker was a funeral director, and he talked about how many people get involved in planning their own funeral. Would you want to be involved in planning your funeral?"

"Absolutely," she said. "It's my funeral; I want to be in charge."

And so I learned what my mother-in-law wanted at her funeral. She didn't want anyone talking about her who didn't know her. She didn't want to be cremated or embalmed. As she put it, "I want to be dust to dust as soon as possible." She wanted to be buried in "something comfortable, maybe a sweat suit. I am not wearing pantyhose for eternity!" And other than her wedding ring, she did not want to wear any jewelry. As for the coffin, she requested the least expensive option available. Bubbie also had a couple specific requests of her own: her favorite singer had been Edith Piaff, and she wanted to have Edith Piaff played at her funeral. She also reminded me that there was a poem she had given to my husband many years ago, which she wanted to be read at her funeral.

Funeral Planning: Having the Talk

It wasn't just that Bubbie didn't mind talking about her funeral. She actually wanted to talk about it. At first I wondered if I was able to raise the subject funeral planning more easily than her son or daughter might have simply because I was her daughter-in-law. Then I wondered if perhaps Bubbie was more comfortable talking to me because I was her daughter-in-law. I'll never know, but I am grateful that we had the talk.

As Bubbie aged, she grew frail and was increasingly dependant on others. I think being involved in planning her funeral increased her sense of control over her life, and helped her continue to feel like a competent individual. We never talked about her funeral after that day. It was enough that we’d had the talk.

Bubbie died last week, at the age of ninety-four, asleep in her recliner. While her funeral was sad, there was satisfaction, too. Hers was a long life that was well lived. We were grateful we could express our love and respect by honoring her wishes regarding her funeral. It made the days immediately after her death infinitely easier, since there was no guessing what she would have wanted and no family debates on what to do. We were thankful we knew what Bubbie's wishes were.

I have thought back to the talk and some of the things that made it successful for both Bubbie and me. First, I didn't simply launch into the topic. I described how other people had been involved in their own funeral planning and asked if this was something she wanted to have a say in. She could have said no, which would have indicated she was unwilling to discuss the subject, but most people do want to be in control of their lives, and, by extension, their deaths. Second, I didn't shy away from details, like what she wanted to be buried in or whether she wanted to be buried with jewelry. Details are important, and she had strong opinions!

A Good Life & A Good Death

After we had the funeral planning talk, there was only one other time Bubbie and I talked about death. It was about three months before she died. Bubbie, who used a walker, took ten prescriptions a day and depended on oxygen, called to say she didn’t feel well. As I waited with her for the doctor to call, she said, "I know I am ninety-four and I could go at any time, but quite frankly, I am not ready. For one thing, I have three very good books on reserve at the library. Plus, I am in the middle of crocheting two baby sweaters, and I want to finish them. I have the computer (for playing solitaire), Pookie (her parakeet) and you guys. I have a good life.”"

Bubbie did have a good life, and a good death, made better, in part, by the fact that we had had the talk. For ideas about how to start the funeral planning talk, topics to consider in planning your funeral and how to record your own preferences about what you do and do not want for your funeral, go to www.mywonderfullife.com.

Planning Your Funeral

Planning your funeral gives you control over what will and will not occur. Do you want to plan an event that is uniquely "you" or a more traditional funeral? Following are some basic considerations to keep in mind for funeral planning:

• Location: where will the funeral be held? What about the burial?
• Speakers: who will preside over the funeral? Are there any specific people who you would like to say a few words about you?
• Music: are there any particular artists, groups or songs that you would like to be played during your funeral?
• Memories & Values: do you have any favorite memories or values that you would like to share with the people who attend your funeral? These could be shared through a speaker, or could be printed for your guests to take home with them.
• Photos: do you have any favorite photos that you would like to be displayed or given to your guests?
• Writings: are there any poems, quotes, sermons or other writings that you would like to be shared at your funeral?
• Readings : would you like any of the writings to be read at your funeral? Who would you like to perform the readings?

End-of-Life Planning

Funeral planning is only one of the many end-of-life considerations that you have control over. Here are a few more of the most important ones:

• Distribute your possessions. Doing this now can help you to downsize, but you can also make provisions in your will about specific items that you would like to gift to certain individuals after your death.
• Write your obituary. Include your accomplishments and other things that you want people to know about you.
• Take care of your pets. If you have pets, who would you want to care for them after you’re gone? Make these arrangements now.
• List where your stuff is: will, banks, insurance and more. Having a single source listing account numbers, passwords, contact information and locations of important financial and legal documents will be a big help to your loved ones in settling your estate.
• Write letters to loved ones. This is an opportunity to let them know what they have meant to you, and something that they will treasure after you are gone.

Editor's Note: For more information on end-of-life considerations, visit our End-of-Life Learning Center. For further reading, see Lessons I Learned After My Father's Deathand Dealing with Grief and Guilt.

Posted in Dying with Dignity, Senior Moving Solutions, Talking About the Future with Your Parents, Talking to Aging Parents, Tranquility while Dying