The Funeral Home Meeting: 12 Funeral Service Questions to Consider

Being prepared for death is something few of us do; however, there are about 12 major funeral service questions to consider before or after a loved one passes. Just recently, one of my long-term clients, whom I had worked with for six years, died. I went to the initial meeting at the funeral home with John's family. It was quite a learning experience. His daughter had stopped in his room on her way to the funeral home meeting to look for a copy of his will. In the file cabinet, she discovered a prepaid funeral policy that she had no idea existed. Check with your parents and make sure that you know what arrangements they have made.

While at the funeral home, you will be asked to write your parent's obituary. Writing an obituary for a loved one is not an easy task. You must decide if you will mention the cause or circumstances of death. You will need to decide who should be listed among the survivors, especially if there are many grandchildren or siblings, and find out how to spell their names if you don't already know. Would you rather mourners sent flowers or would you prefer donations to your loved one's favorite charity be made in his or her name? You should specify this in the obituary as well. Newspapers charge by the square inch for print, so choose your words carefully.

Planning the Service: The 12 Funeral Questions You Need to Answer

When a loved one dies, you'll be responsible for making a lot of important decisions—many of them difficult ones—in a very short period of time. By planning ahead and thinking about these things before your loved one dies, you can avoid the additional stress of making decisions under duress. In addition to writing the obituary, here are some other considerations to think about when planning your loved one's funeral.

1. Was your loved one a veteran? If so, veterans benefits may cover or help pay a portion of the funeral and/or burial costs.
2. Will there be a burial or a cremation? Where will it take place?
3. Will there be a visitation? If so, do you want the body prepared?
4. Will the body be present at any service? What clothes should you bring?
5. How soon will the service occur? If relatives will be coming in from other states, how quickly can they get there?
6. Do you want service bulletins? Who will print them? What information would you like to include?
7. Do you want your loved one's biography to be published in a bulletin or to be read aloud at the service? If you like the idea of the biography, you will have to choose someone to write it (and print it, if you choose a bulletin). Think about how much detail should be included and whose feelings might be hurt if they are left out.
8. Who do you want to speak at the service? You might choose a family member, professional clergyperson, or someone else. If it is a non-family member, consider whether (and how) he or she should be paid.
9. Do you want a book for mourners to sign?
10. Is there a type of music or any particular songs that you would like played? What about readings or poetry or hymns? Who would you like to present them?
11. Will there be a reception? Where will it take place? Who will prepare food?
12. Do you have a photograph that you want to use for the funeral service and/or reception?

If you are able to have candid conversations with your loved one now, you might consider asking about his or her preferences. It might sound morbid, but it can also be a wonderful opportunity for both of you to achieve peace of mind about the future, so that your loved one can be assured her preferences will be honored, and when the time comes, you'll feel confident that you’re making the right choices.

Don't Leave Big Decisions to the End

All of this, and more, is decided at that first meeting at the funeral home, which is often held very soon after the death. I encourage you to make all these decisions before your parent dies. You can even write the obituary now and insert the date of death later. Nothing will change, unless you decide to list the cause of death. These are emotionally trying decisions, and they are not easy to make when you are distraught by the immediacy of loss. Plan ahead. You will be so glad that you did.

Editor's Note: For further reading, see 5 Steps to Creating Your Legacy Project and Dr. Ed Markin's column, "Funeral Planning: Going in Style."

Posted in Geriatric Care Solutions, Talking to Aging Parents, Types of Funerals