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Baby Boomer Women Sandwiched Between Caring for Parents & Children
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I troll the Internet—a lot—as it is part of my job to find out what other people are saying about health and long-term care topics. I have found some weird things. I have also found some very profound blogs; some of the most interesting and heartfelt ones document the experiences of individual family caregivers. After reading through a few yesterday, I decided to add to the discussion. A study published in November of 2006, Squeezed Between Children and Older Parents: A Survey of Sandwich Generation Women, stated what many female family caregivers already knew—today’s boomer women are overworked, stressed and are asked to take on a great deal of responsibility. The role of caregiving within a family usually falls to women by default. This may be because of deep-seated cultural and social expectations that boil down to “girls stay home and take care of things there.” However, many of these boomer women also hold full-time jobs, have children and must make ends meet. The addition of being a caregiver means piling something onto a plate that is already full.
There’s some basic math at work here. Statistically, women live longer than men. According to a Cornell University study that came out in June, elderly mothers are four times more likely to choose an adult daughter over a son as a caregiver—regardless of important aspects like mental health or the adult child’s other responsibilities. The choice was most often based on picking the child the mother felt closest to emotionally. Gender was a major aspect of most mothers’ decisions. Many reported discomfort with the idea of having a son perform a personal care task like bathing. Only 20% of these women, sandwiched between the role of parent and caregiver, report that they are happy. (The study compares this to a third of the general population, who state that they are happy.) The women who were concerned about an ailing relative’s health 60% of the time stated some difficulty managing stress, as opposed to the 48% of women who said they had difficulty handling stress, but did not have concerns about an ailing relative. Men and women often perceive the role of caregiver quite differently: daughters tend to be very hands-on in their approach while sons tend to be less available on a day-to-day basis. Unsurprisingly, caregiving daughters report more incidences of stress than their male counterparts. (This of course is a generalization and in no way should disparage the many men who do serve as caregivers.)
The fact that caregivers are mostly women and mostly stressed is not news, but it’s not without recourse. Family dynamics can often be pushed into a state of disequilibrium when a parent starts to age dramatically. Many people are thrust into the role of caregiver. Indeed, if these shoes must be filled in a family, women often feel guilty if they don’t put them on. In all my travels through the online world and in speaking with daughters of ailing parents, one thing is primary: these women want to help. They want to be good, and dependable, the one who comes through in a pinch—but they also want to sleep, have a life and do fun things from time to time. These emotions vacillate inside of them and feel like tiny tsunamis that crash over them, pulling back only to leave guilt and shame in their wake. The only sure way to break the cycle and truly help an aging parent is to know your limits. How much time and energy do you really have? And how much help does your parent need? These questions should be asked and answered on a regular basis. You are going to need help. Ask for it—and if that doesn’t work, then demand it. Many family caregivers will advocate for their elder parent but not themselves. Keep in mind that you are only good to them when you are taken care of yourself. Support and respite are the two tools you need to have at hand. Caregiver burnout is common. To avoid it, find others in similar situations to talk to and also take a break from the role every once in a while. Online forums can provide a great place to meet others in your situation. Contacting local social workers or geriatric care managers can also be beneficial, as it is always a good idea to get an expert’s advice—and these experts are well-versed in what it takes to be a caregiver.
In case you haven’t heard this from others—as a family caregiver you are doing one of the most important jobs there is.
Until next time,
Lara Belonogoff
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Gilbert Guide provides information about respite care, including where to find it in your area.
Posted in: Avoiding Burnout, Caregiver Burnout, Caregiver Support, Dealing with Grief & Guilt, Handling Burnout
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