Understanding the Grieving Process

Grief is a process of healing. People who are grieving, no matter the cause, need the space to simply be with their emotions. When someone you know has suffered a devastating loss, sometimes it is difficult to know what to say or how to comfort them. However, you should know that there are things that we can say that are helpful as well as things that might actually be hurtful.

When I miscarried late in my pregnancy, well-meaning family and friends said that since I was still young, I would be able to have another child. I was devastated in that moment. The thought of having another child at some time in the future did not fill up the hole in my heart and was not comforting at all. The loss a grieving person feels cannot be replaced by the suggestion of something new to take its place.

Others indicated that my miscarriage was a blessing since it was nature’s way of rejecting something that might have been unhealthy. Intellectualizing or trying to fix the situation doesn’t feel good when you are overcome with sadness.

When someone is in the middle of a crisis, don’t share your own similar stories. Remember it is not about you—it’s about the person who has just experienced a devastating blow in his or her life The best things you can do for your loved one are to simply listen, acknowledge, and be present. The person who is grieving will feel safe and cared for.

Everyone experiences pain differently, so no one really knows what a griever is going through or how he or she actually feels. Even if you think that your experience is similar, it’s not helpful to say, “I know how you are feeling.” It’s better to say, “I don’t know what to say” or “I can’t imagine how you feel,” because those are true statements.

Empathetically listen, give a hug, hold hands, bring dinner, and let your loved one know you are there to provide support and encouragement in whatever way is best. Be there with an open heart, holding a safe place for the person you care about to share all of his or her feelings.

Posted in Dealing with Grief, Dealing with Grief & Guilt, Life Coaching: Kim Israels