Arleen Stern has been working with the elderly and their families for over twenty...read more
- Choosing a Home Health Agency: A How-to Guide
- Homecare: 7 Surefire Ways to Create a Symbiotic Relationship
- Coping Strategies for Caregivers: 4 Ways to Make it Through
- Life and Loss: Coping Strategies for Caregivers
- Long Distance Caregiving: How a Geriatric Care Manager Can Help You
- When to Consider a Geriatric Care Manager
Geriatric Care Manager: A. Stern
Coping Strategies for Caregivers: 4 Ways to Make it Through
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Hi everyone,
My last post addressed coping strategies for caregivers, a topic I believe can never be exhausted. So this post will continue the theme. This month I’m presenting several important strategies with a philosophical bent. To make the most of these strategies, take the time to think about what’s really important to you.
1. Open Your Hearts
It is important to be “tuned in to” our loved ones when we are with them. This includes telephone conversations. During those times, the greatest gift we can give is ourselves. We cannot turn back the clock and we cannot affect miracle cures. We can be emotionally available for the people we love who are ailing or frightened. Nurturing an open, honest and caring relationship is a tremendous gift to your loved one.
2. Take Care of Yourself
Alyce Rudden is a wonderful and caring nursing home social worker who told me, “When we do this work, there must be other things in our lives.” I have thought of her wise words often. When your visit with a loved one comes to a close or you hang up the telephone, immediately do something for yourself. Have that cappuccino, take a walk in the park, or just take a moment to quietly breathe. Pursue activities that bring pleasure and joy. You need them now more then ever. Time spent on yourself will reap dividends in the capacity to “recharge” you for your loved one.
3. Live Life Fully
Now there’s a tall order! But it is, I believe, the most important order. Following the tragedy of September 11th, I spent a year speaking with groups of seniors in NYC. When I asked one group if they did anything differently following that day, one woman said, “I hug my family before I leave the house every morning. We can’t know how long any one of us has to live.” I’ll never forget that wise response. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Keep your priorities in order. Don’t procrastinate. And when there is a choice of now or later, strongly consider now.
4. Finish Unfinished Business
Families are complicated and often messy. In some families, the adult “children,” who may be 50 or 60 years old, reunite when a parent becomes ill and soon behave like their five or ten-year-old selves. Squabbles may ensue and statements like, “Dad always liked you best,” or “You’re only interested in the money” are common. The best gift a family can give themselves—and future generations—is to discuss and resolve longstanding resentments and disappointments, and come together in the anticipated loss of the loved one. Families need to come to terms with what was good as well as with what was not. Some families may wish to avail themselves of professional help to do this work.This is a lot to think about. So ruminate away, and please feel free to be in touch with any comments or questions. I wish to thank Renee Solomon, DSW, whose words have greatly informed this column, for her wisdom.
Be well,
Arleen
Posted in Caregiver Burnout, Caregiver Support, Geriatric Care Management: Arleen Stern, Respite
The squabbling between family members is something I am dealing with right now. My father has recently needed more help that usual and so my brother and sisters have been talking about what to do and how to help him, and I can’t believe how many fights we have had in the last six weeks. It feels like we are all teenagers again in the same house.
The squabbling between siblings is common, but it takes away from the important matters at hand. I would suggest calling a family meeting, and say its time to stop fighting and focus on your dad and that’s that. Someone needs to step up and be in charge for your dad. And you can do it. It was your father who took care of you and now it is your turn to do the same for him!
NO cappuccino’s for us. Just ten years of enduring a hellish well designed ‘bait and switch’ business plan developed by Mother’s chosen facility.
To spare my sister and myself care-taking responsibilities, Mother, who had cared for my grandmother and father, decided to sell her home of 50 years and move to a facility. The sales tour had Mother and my sister and myself totally smitten with the sheer beauty of the place. And all the verbal and written promises of care mentioned in their beautiful sales brochures. Sadly, we were smitten with what I now call the “chandelier effect.”
Mother lived there for 6 years and never once was there any mention of dementia in her nursing notes. I complained frequently during the 6 years that they were understaffed. Understaffing forced me to hire an aid.
On January 3, 2003, Mother fell ill with the flu and she went to the hospital. Mother returned from the hospital on January 8, 2003 at 6 pm and went to stay in Assisted Living Wing. At 11 p.m., just FOUR HOURS later, the staff started making notes that Mother was wandering. She was just getting out of bed!
Even though their brochures advertised 24/7 care, they decided Mother needed an ADDITIONAL special 24 hours caretaker. They charged us $92,000.00!
Without informing me and my family, and BEHIND our backs, the NEXT DAY, they tried to make an appointment for my Mother to be seen by a nurero-psychologist because she was “confused”. Thus began their clumsy and transparent (to me) process of “weeding and culling”.
Thus began the REAL HELL, starting with her two forced evictions and with her death on November 25th, 2004.
So one reason I am writing this is to tell you that I tried to take care of myself as Mother’s caretaker and looked forward to her move to assisted living because it would be a win-win situation for Mother, my sister and I. It would have been better for Mother to stay home as long as possible.
Dear Helena and DannieLafs,
Thanks for your comments. It is understandable, and very common that an elder becoming more ill, can be cause for family turmoil. That does not make it any less disturbing. A family meeting is a good idea, although it may sound too official for some family members. Perhaps as things quiet down a bit, it will be possible to sit informally and talk together about what happened that set off the family fights. (Was it easier to fight than look at the reality of a parent’s decline, or the fear this evokes in all of us? Were there money issues about who would pay for the extra help? Was there resentment because someone “took over?”)
There is always an opportunity if taken at the right moment to repair relationships–and to resume functioning as mature adults together once again.