Geriatric Care Manager: A. Stern

Life and Loss: Coping Strategies for Caregivers

April 30th, 2007
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man at cemetary

Hi everyone,
My dear friend Carol’s father died a month ago. Last Friday night at our synagogue, she stood up to say Kaddish, the communal prayer for the dead, and I was taken aback by my visceral reaction at seeing my friend stand and speak those ancient words. The reality of her loss and her vulnerability, as well as my own, struck me full force. In that moment, I realized anew that what had happened to her will happen to me and to those I love.

Loss is an intrinsic part of our lives. Each change of our loved ones along the way—illness, a change in mental capacity, a lessened ability to take care of oneself—is a loss to be acknowledged. When care managers are called in, the immediate work is to assess any immediate needs and set the necessary services into place. A sensitive care manager also assists the older person and their families and friends in acknowledging and examining what the changes in their lives means to each one of them, and how they can best manage those changes. Caregiving can raise some difficult questions. Being aware of these concerns can help you when the time comes:

  • Physical—am I physically able to care for my loved one? What sort of help can I give? When is it time to hire outside help?
  • Emotional—what emotions does this bring up for me? Do I need help in acknowledging the difficult (negative) emotions? Where should I turn to?
  • Spiritual—what is the meaning of life? Does it mean something different to me now that my loved one is at the end of life? What will happen to me as I age?

Caregivers will benefit by addressing the physical, emotional and spiritual concerns of their own lives when helping their loved ones, as well as practical considerations such as the significant time commitment that caregiving requires. A care manager can be available to discuss these concerns. She can sensitively demonstrate that grieving and working through loss is a lifelong task, not one that is simply relegated to after a physical death. Awareness of the small and not-so-small losses during our lives, and grieving those losses as they occur, makes for a fuller and richer life. If we open ourselves to the difficult and painful moments in our lives, we are then free to truly experience moments of pure joy and happiness as well.

Next month, I will continue with tips on dealing with and working through loss.

Be well,

Arleen

Posted in Caregiving, Geriatric Care Management: Arleen Stern

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2 Responses to “Life and Loss: Coping Strategies for Caregivers”
  1. MrsDavies Says:

    I don’t even want to think about the day I lose my mother but I know it will be easier then if I think about it now. My mother has Alzheimers and in many ways I feel like I’ve already lost her. I don’t know whats harder…seeing it coming or not.

  2. Arleen Stern Says:

    Dear Mrs. Davies,

    Thank you for your touching comments. You are absolutely right. Someone caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease can feel, in many ways, as if she has lost her loved one before the actual death occurs. While there is no way to take away the pain of this loss, it may help if you allow yourself to grieve the small and not-so-small losses along the way. For example, people with memory loss generally cannot manage their own bills. This is a loss for loved ones to acknowledge and grieve. They might think, “She was always so quick at taking care of these things,” or “Where is that person I once knew?” Letting in the sadness, pain, and other emotions this type of change evokes will help in acclimating to the current situation—and then being able to more fully enjoy what the person is still capable of doing. And yes, there are moments when one can bear thinking about what “is coming” and other times best spent focused on what is happening in our lives right now.

    Be well,

    Arleen

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