Dealing With End of Life Issues

January 16th, 2007 by Lori Deschene

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When my uncle died unexpectedly last year, my mother and aunt went to tell my grandmother together. I wasn’t there when it happened. I only know that after her initial emotional reaction, she told them, “That’s what happens in life. People live and then they die.” My grammy expressed wisdom my years could not rival, which got me thinking about death’s effects on families and friends. With this in mind, I decided to find some answers to the question: how do I deal with the impending death of someone I love?

Should I openly discuss with a loved one that he’s terminal? What if he has false hope?

If the person wants to discuss it, then openly discuss it. Since no one dies more than once, your loved one may not know if he wants to share his thoughts and feelings. Some days he may speak candidly, other days he may be too overwhelmed to talk. Feel it out; any good relationship involves open lines of communication. As to whether or not to remove false hope, keep this in mind: to take away his hope may leave him only with fear. Hope is usually the last thing to die before life itself. He might hope there’ll be a cure for his illness, hope his death will be painless or hope his loved ones aren’t paralyzed by grief when he dies. While hope may seem a form of denial, it can be so much more to someone who’s facing death head on. Miracles have happened—his life itself was a perfect example. It may seem to you that the situation is hopeless and believing otherwise, foolish, but what is the alternative to living hopefully?

How do I act around him if his appearance makes me uneasy?

You may find yourself struggling with the way he looks, seeing a mere shell of the person you once knew so well. You may even find yourself so distracted by his appearance that you shy away from spending time with him for fear of reacting poorly. If you want to see beyond the illness to nurture that spark of life that remains, maintain eye contact. While malady may deform the body, you can still take comfort in looking at your loved one’s familiar face. No one wants to be treated like something other than a human being—something in limbo between life and death, even if they no longer look the way they once did. If your intention is to treat him with dignity, remind yourself that he is still whole and complete, albeit living his final days. Listen to what he has to say about his experiences and you’ll be honoring his life, as well as confronting his death.

How do I help my child deal with the fact that our loved one is dying?

It may be tempting to shield your child from the person as he gets closer to death. While your instinct may be to offer protection, this robs them of the opportunity to make final memories. Not only will this be positive for your child, it may even bring your dying loved one some much needed joy. After the death, your younger children may not fully understand the implications of what has happened. In cartoons, for example, characters die and come back to life. You may need to explain to her that, in this case, your loved one isn’t coming back. Also, it’s important to remember that children feel grief just as strongly as adults, but may sometimes express it through their behavior, acting out, withdrawing or just appearing to be moody. If you ask your child how she is feeling, it’s likely she will not be able to identify feelings or put them in words. What the child needs is to feel she has a supportive, understanding environment so she can communicate her feelings as she identifies them. Don’t underestimate her capacity for strength and growth. Its hard dealing with death, but everyone has to do it eventually, and she’ll be better in the long run for learning to understand and accept it early on.

How will I deal with my grief when he dies?

Losing a loved one is easily the most heart-wrenching, challenging experience of most people’s lives. It may seem like nothing will help the pain, but it’s true what they say: time heals all wounds. If a cliché about pain doesn’t give you any comfort, you may want to consider the following: The seven steps of grieving are known to be: shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression and hope. Let yourself move through these stages and take as much time as you need. There is no right amount of time to “get over it.” Try to avoid numbing your feelings. If you’ve struggled with any addictions in the past, it might be tempting to resort to negative behaviors again. Expect the pain. Some days will be easy and others will be harder, but being prepared will help you keep your footing. Don’t be afraid to reminisce. Sometimes people avoid mementos so as to not bring up the pain. Well, the pain is there and it will be until you work through it. And though it may be hard to believe right now, you may even find yourself laughing a bit as you look back on all the positive memories that made your loved so dear to your heart.

In my research, I came across few books that might be helpful as you face this difficult time: The Needs of the Dying by David Kessler, 101 Ways to Heal the Hurt by Deborah Stefaniak and When Children Grieve by John W. James, Russell Friedman and Dr. Leslie Matthews.

Honoring life, in all its parts—

Lori Deschene

Posted in: Caregiving, Dealing with Grief, Dealing with Grief & Guilt, End of Life